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Writing Journey #4 PDF Print E-mail
Well, here’s another entry in what seems to be turning into a sort of on again - off again, “where I am now” journal. 2004 got very difficult for me, creatively speaking. As my last entry smugly indicates, I did get another story. In fact I’ve gotten several of them, but as of this writing they all remain unwritten (outlined only). 2004 was the year I learned what “creative despair” meant. I learned that term from reading a biography of Sergei Rachmaninov and realized that that was exactly how I felt. I realized, too, that it was caused by the hopes for the book being completely dashed. One might say that my hopes had been unrealistic, that I was wrong to hope for some outpouring of approval, acceptance, and support for the work. And looking back, maybe it was unrealistic. But at the time, having finished the book feeling so completely in tune to God in writing it, feeling His hand all over it – even down to the word count, I could not help thinking that He was going to see it distributed with the same energy. But every aspect of bringing the book to print was painfully slow. Even getting the book into the COP bookstore was like pushing through an act of Congress. (I had copies of my book in February and had given the necessary 5 copies to B. I. so they could be reviewed, but I heard nothing at all. By Good Friday I had given up hope of having them in the store by Easter, but by a move of the Spirit Vickie got involved and I was able to sell 20 copies to the bookstore. As of this writing, 9 months later, at least 10 of them are still on the shelf.) At first I told myself that I needed to be patient. It was all in God’s timing, etc. but it wasn’t long before I started to see a pattern develop. B. I., who was greatly interested in marketing the book, was moved out of the bookstore, no longer to manage it. M. L. read part of it, and liked it, and wanted it to be added to his recommended reading list in the bulletin (or was it on the website?), but that feature was promptly discontinued. L. L., also assigned to review it, put it in a drawer for 5 months. (When he did read it, he spoke of it in glowing terms – but only to Vickie, not to me. Meanwhile my despair deepened.) Others who had been given copies to review either said nothing, spoke only to Vickie, or didn’t bother to read it. E. T. was totally silent, even though I had stepped out of the Drama ministry specifically to write this book, and had given him a copy to prove the good fruit produced during my absence. In cases like this, no news is not good news. Even outside the church, of the nearly 100 copies sold or given away in the last 10 months, less than 10 have been read completely, if at all. Even my sister R., at one time one of my greatest fans, did not read the first page.

      I don’t blame these people at all. I know everyone is busy, but it just seemed like as my dream rose, then crashed utterly, no one cared or even noticed. (I have GOT to finish that “Apple” story!) Even Vickie, who was in a pivotal position to help to help me in the one organization where I thought I would have at least moral support, preferred to remain silent, letting good opportunities slip away. (She would tell me later of the conversations she had had and I would just wilt at the lost opportunity.)

      Do I dare to flatter myself to think that the enemy was working against me, or that he would use such widespread resources to stop one little book? It seemed unlikely at first, but later it seemed like the only cause. Then I began to pray earnestly against it, but by then it was like praying against the tide. My sense of aloneness and isolation was more acute than it had ever been before. But now to that was added a profound doubt about who I was, and what purpose I served to God. In the summer of 2003 I was totally sure of who I was in Christ and what my purpose on this earth was about. By 2004 the dream was completely shattered and I had no idea who I was in Christ and had completely accepted the idea that I had no purpose at all. I had prayed to write a book, and I had written it, and that was all. If I could sell the rest of them then I might be able to pay off the $750 I had borrowed on the credit card. Then I would be done with the whole matter. (I also decided that I would not spend one penny more until a market presents itself.) But even as I faced such thoughts I wilted inside. I went into a depression. Nothing appealed to me and I would distract myself with studies on various subjects. I totally stopped writing prose and all attempts to start again were like trying to kick-start a motorcycle that had had the spark plugs removed. I did write some decent poetry while in Will Brown’s group, but that had ceased as well. I just can’t seem to get started anymore. The ArtExpo idea gave me some hope, but as it sits in idle that hope also dissipates. (Currently I give it about a 50-50 chance of coming to fruition.) The greatest losses to me were my motivation to write, coupled with the steadfast belief that I was working toward something. Perhaps they are one. At the Men’s retreat in 2003, God told me what my purpose/promise was and I accepted it – never to lay it down again. But now what? Surely I am not to be one of those guys who work a job all week, then play with my toys on the weekend, week after week, then die. Is that me?

      But in all this, the Lord has stayed with me. Maybe that could go without saying, but it should never be taken for granted. As Vickie and I were painting my sister’s house in Gastonia, and as I was praying for some answer to what my purpose was and how it had come to naught, Vickie brought me a word from the Lord. She said that my writing was how I worshipped God. (She said she didn’t know why she felt like telling me that – then I told her what I had been praying about.) God has been very gracious in the patience He has shown me. In the writing lull I have concentrated on Christian growth for myself and I have been recovering from the despair nicely. As of this writing I am completely free of it and feel more Christ-like than I ever have before. I have made a commitment never to allow myself to have a bad day again, and I have kept that promise for over 2 months now. (I guess the reason I write this journal is to unburden myself of feelings that will do me no good.)

      I have been outlining stories again. They are different than the “Glimpses” ones, but if I can pull it off they may be equally as potent and possibly more educational. I have been praying that God will help me restructure my life to allow me more time to write. I guess I also need to pray for motivation. That is the real fuel that makes this engine go.

      This Christmas, 2004, I felt strongly that I wanted to give Jesus a present. I thought of getting him one of those beautiful Thomas Kincade illuminated snow globes and leaving it on the stage at the church, but a few days before Christmas I outlined a new story (and was duly late for work again). As I did so I felt that a re-commitment to my craft would be what He really wanted. I’ve decided to call the publicist after the 1st of the year. With all of my current money concerns, I may need to wait until tax time, but at least I can go to get a quote of service and cost. It is a new day (a new year), after all.

– 12/26/04
 
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