Well, things were looking up for a short time in the area of connectedness. I had even started a men’s group that would meet Sunday evenings. We were to stay in touch, look out for each other and be accountable to one another. I got the idea after seeing some of my friends stumble and start to fall away. Three of us met on 3/14/04, and then never met again. That next week I took a major hit at work (betrayal) and wanted to share it with the group, but no one showed up. After the betrayal at work and renewed isolation there, I didn’t have the heart to pursue it. Now, one of the ones who met that night and another hopeful has taken a major slide. Part of me feels responsible for that, but how can I hold others up when I am taking a major hit myself? Who would call me up and see how I’m doing? Who would bear me up when I am struggling? Things have even changed for me with the “Peace” group. I get along with everyone well enough, but they don’t seem as accessible as they once were. The Men’s Retreat is coming in a week or so and I haven’t the desire to go. I think it would only sharply accentuate the isolation. (I told Vickie that I couldn’t bear to be alone around that many people.)

      This past Sunday I thought of another good analogy for where I am. A friend in the Navy told me that he liked to go “mudding” in his jeep. He preferred to go in a jeep rather than a pick-up truck. The jeep, being so light, could go to places where pick-up trucks couldn’t go. If they got stuck, he could always come and help them get out. The only problem was that if he got stuck, there was no one who could get to him and help him out. (Another jeep might, but they seem to be rare in these parts.) I seem to be like that. When I get stuck, it’s totally up to me to get myself out. The same applied to submarines, I guess. They could go places the fleet could not, but if they got in trouble, they were on their own.

      Who do I turn to? Who could I talk to without getting either the glib short answer or the blank stare? I don’t know. No one has the time to listen or understand the whole picture. So I guess I’m back to where I was last year – or perhaps I never really left. In either case I am still getting very close to God, and if the cost of that is a lack of connections then it is a good deal. Incidentally, I also got another story this past Sunday.

– 5/6/04