First of all, when I wrote the last entry, I seemed to have found a place among the poets, especially those of the C.ofC. SLAM team. My heart went out to them, as it does to all writers and poets, but soon after that entry was written the semester ended and they all went their separate ways. One of them, Jonathan Brown, graduated and as I last heard went to California. The only one I ever saw again was Vickie Mastas (sp?), who I assume graduated in May of ’06. Although we seemed to have struck up a friendship, the few times saw her again at the East Bay Coffee House she was quiet and usually left early. I still pray for her and Jonathan daily. I suppose what knit my heart to them and to the other poets I know is because when I hear their poetry I hear their heart as well. Often a lot of unresolved pain comes out in the poems, too, and I believe that’s where the connections are really made. (It works the same way with character development in a novel. It’s the character’s sufferings that endear them to us.)

      Will and I continued kayaking together and occasionally going to the East Bay Coffee House together. His website, CloudyDayArt.com (People-Poetry-Podcast), continues to grow. I was featured there once (#11), but all in all, when he moved away in November of ’05 my poetry largely went dormant. There was a poetry group at the church (Poetic Praise) that I really wanted to be a part of, but it was at the same time as our home group so I never attended. Mostly, my poetic endeavors have been limited to typing out my poems and cataloging them into the computer. I thought of gathering them in a book and calling it “Letters to my Friend the King”, but so far I have done nothing with it.

      As for the “Glimpses of My Friend the King” book, the last gasp of its self-publishing career came in December of ’05. There was a new lady running the Connection Bookstore at church, Vickie Vincent, who was very excited about my book. She helped me set up a book signing and made a nice display out front. We set a weekend and asked our pastor if he would announce it from the podium. He agreed and Vickie told my wife Vickie and I that any time he recommends a book from the podium it completely sells out. I already had 100 books on hand, so in faith I ordered 100 more. I set up in the bookstore and was there for 4 services, but I only sold about 30. (Most of those were sold to family and friends who were going to give them away as Christmas presents.) This was disappointing to be sure, but there was encouragement still. A few people who had bought the book in early ’04, when it first came out, came to me and said that not only had they read it and were blessed by it, but even now they would take it out occasionally and would read it and be blessed all over again. That is the kind of encouragement I sorely needed to hear. God knows I get enough discouragement from the enemy during the times of silence and solitude. One lady came to me and told me that God was going to bless me greatly for this work. I received that as prophesy and I’m still holding onto it!

      This brings to mind another word of encouragement that I took as a Word from God. (I may have related this before, but I don’t have the other sub.doc’s in front of me at this writing.) Back in early 2004 my wife Vickie and I were painting in my sister’s house. My sister had gone to the store and we were alone in the house and as I was painting I was feeling the disappointment at how the book seemed to be going nowhere, despite the fact that God had inspired it at every level of its development. In my mind I was asking Him what it was all for, when Vickie came in from another room with tears in her eyes. She said she was painting and suddenly felt the presence of God over her. A thought came into her mind and she felt that she was supposed to tell it to me. She said that my writing was how I worshipped God. I’ve thought about that and I believe it’s true. When I worship God in song at church I feel whole, I feel joyful, and I feel at peace. I also feel His tenderness toward me. I feel the exact same way when I am writing. Even when the writing wears me out emotionally I feel satisfied and complete. I feel like God is pleased when I am writing. When I am writing steadily, all is right with my world. All is in balance. I love Him so much.

      Another word from God came to me in June of 2005. (When I say a “word from God”, I am speaking about the times when I had a question in mind and He answered it specifically. It does not include the knowledge and insights I get from my daily Bible reading and my daily devotional time.) My family and I were staying in a cabin at the KOA on Perdido Bay near Pensacola. As usual I got up much earlier than anyone else so I decided to sit out on the porch and enjoy some time with the Lord in the quiet of the morning. In the dark of the cabin I had searched for something to eat for breakfast, but could only find a box of Sun Maid raisins. As I sat there on the porch swing looking out over the still water of the bay, I found myself asking God, once again, what His purposes were for my writing. (It’s amazing how I keep forgetting!) I said that I hoped all of my study and practice of writing were not a waste of time. I asked him would He give me just a small word of encouragement, just to keep me going in the right direction. Then, in the silence that followed the plea I opened the box of raisins and saw printed on the end flap these words, “Nothing is wasted – Everything happens when the time is right”. I nearly fell of the porch swing! I have seen other words of encouragement in the boxes of raisins, but none were like that one. I cut the flap off and I still have it to this day.

      There is one more event to tell that would explain how I came to where I am now. In the lull of writing events that followed the December ’05 book signing, I once again began looking into alternatives to writing as a future for me. (I guess I figured that that was all there was to it for me.) These alternatives usually include going back to school to pursue a degree (civil engineering and architecture are some of the recurring favorites), or taking some kind of course that would allow me to have my own business (diesel mechanics, HVAC, or marine propulsion). Another alternative is to pursue a USCG “6-Pack” Captain’s license. This would allow me to run a charter boat of some kind with paying passengers, or to ferry yachts. Anything that has to do with being on the water has great appeal to me and since I already possessed the study materials and the navigational tools I decided that I would pursue that course. The only major thing I lacked was the required sea time. I decided that I would make a schedule for going out in the sailboat at least once a week to tally up the days. This would mean going out year round and in a variety of weather.

      Now, it might seem strange to be tempted by such a wide variety of pursuits, but let me say here that my number one love is writing. I really do love it. The research, the contemplation, the outlining, the joy and flow of the rough draft, the technical problem solving of the rewrite, the endless comb-through and polishing of editing; I really do love it all. But it’s all very time consuming. And with a day job, the family, house and car maintenance and repairs, and church ministry all pulling at your time, finding some decent time to write becomes difficult. Add to that the frenzy and chaos of the aforementioned and even the necessary contemplation time becomes strained. Sometimes I feel like a man who is committed to his wife and family, but at the same time has fallen in love with a mistress. If he can’t or won’t leave his wife and family, then it would be better if he had never taken the mistress in the first place. For me, writing is like that mistress. I have set it down so many times, only to take it back up again. If you could pull back all the layers of who I am and what I’m about, then at the core I am a writer. (All of me, of course, is in Christ.) But I know that God is going to work it all out somehow. I don’t have to know how; I just have to believe he will.

      This brings me back to this last event. On February 5^th of this year (2006), my wife and I decided to go out sailing. (Actually, I decided to go and she, feeling some concern, decided to join me.) The weather was overcast and the wind was about 15 knots and the temperature was about 60 degrees. I wore my Navy issue wool sweater and cap, my wicking-action socks and had my pea coat in reserve in case I got wet. My wife dressed warmly as well. To make a long story short, one thing after another went wrong and we ended up capsizing our 17’ daysailer. The next day I heard on the NOAA radio summary that there had wind gusts of 30 knots had been reported. But that should not have been a problem. I had been out in far worse conditions and knew how to handle the boat. As a matter of fact, I had never capsized any of the sailboats I had owned. As we tipped over, my wife said she felt a lurch, like a wave pushing up on the bottom of the boat, and despite the sheets being released, the boat went over on its side and we were dumped in the water. The NOAA summary also said that the water temperature had been 54 degrees. But that should not have been a problem. I was dressed for cold water and I knew how to right the boat. I knew I would have us up and going again in no time. But what I didn’t know was that the mast had gotten stuck down in the river mud. I stood on the centerboard and pulled at the gunwale but the boat would not right. I detached the starboard shroud and tried to take the pins out of the foot of the mast, but one of them would not budge. We had to abandon the boat and swim for shore. We were in the water for about 30 minutes or so and were rescued off of the bank by the Coast Guard. (Thank you U.S.C.G!)

      Over the next few days I used my sea kayak to go out and salvage the boat and bring it in. All ended well enough, but deep down inside me something had shifted. Later I was reading a book called “The Bait of Satan” by John Bevere and when I came to the chapter called “Everything that can be shaken will be shaken” I felt that it had been written for me. It told of Peter’s denial of our Lord and how it destroyed any confidence he had had in himself and his own abilities. Peter was brave. In the garden he had drawn his sword to fight off a detachment of soldiers single-handed, but at the temple the words of a young girl filled him with fear. From that time on, his confidence was completely in God and His abilities. That’s a good lesson for any of us. It’s good to be a capable person, but if we are to become all that God has us to be, then we need to put our confidence in Him alone. I knew this before, but it struck me in a much deeper way. I took all of my plans and dreams and placed to one side. Whatever God wants is all right for me, even if it means staying exactly where I am. I am truly, deeply content allowing Him to do His will in my life.

      It was in this frame of mind that the idea for the website came about. Although a friend had been encouraging me for some time, I had never really considered it. Also, I was a complete loss in knowing where to begin. (I’m not a “techie”.) But one day in my study room I looked down at the box of books under my desk and thought, “Those 150 books under my desk aren’t doing anyone any good.” I had tried peddling them around town with no success, and if the stories in them were going to be a blessing to anyone at all, I was going to have to get them out to the public for free. Since they glorify Christ (telling people about Him), then I could just consider it a ministry of sorts. I sold my telescope to pay for them, so they were mine to give away or sell as I saw fit. (God knows I have never even come near to breaking even!) The main thing is to make them available, and the website would allow me to do that. I could also present other stories as well as the poetry. Moreover, having a venue might give me the motivation to write. Even if no one ever saw the site, I could believe it was being visited, and that might be enough.

      But I would need help. No do-it-yourselfer can do everything. So I prayed to God to send me a person who could help me with the “next step”, whatever it was. Then I would daily thank Him for sending that person, even though no one had been presented. (“If you believe that you receive then you shall have…” vs.#) And I think this is where I had been going wrong. Even though the Lord had promised certain things, my situation said otherwise, and I chose to accept my situation as truth. But between my situation and God, God is more real. He was here before anything and He’ll still be here when everything is gone. That puts Him on a higher level of “reality” than any problem I have. I understood this somewhat before, but I understand it on a deeper level now. I am a resourceful, capable, intelligent person. But my natural mind cannot understand the things of the spirit. The natural mind is for natural things, but the heart is for spiritual things. And since that’s the realm where God operates, that’s where my focus needs to be.

      So where am I now? First, I am working on the website. Second, I am getting re-connected with other writers, both in the church and out. Third, I am rededicating myself to a sacred writing time. I must sacrifice some of the convenient distractions that I developed in my writing disappointments. None of them fulfill me anyway. In January of ’06 I entered a short story writing contest hosted by the S.C. Arts Commission. They will pick 12 winners and will publish the stories together. If I win, and I am able, I will refer to the site. What an opportunity! So now my focus is to continue writing and let God take care of the rest.

– 6/28/06 

      In March of ’06 I wrote an email to my wife Vickie. I’ve copied it below. 

Hi, Sweetie!

      I just wanted to tell you that I am feeling great today! (Someone must be praying for me!)

The other day I came to realize that it was 15 years ago that I stopped doing college courses in order to pursue writing. And now, even though it is hard for most people to see God's promise to me in this, I've decided that I need to push hard after it. I gave up my college education, and any future that an education may hold, to go after this one dream. God gave it to me, and He has verified it several times. I realized that if I were to pursue an education now, it would entail sacrifice. Any change of career will require sacrifice. And even though people would accept the sacrifice if it was college I was after, I cannot wait for or rely on any acceptance or blessing by anyone. GOD TOLD ME that this is who I am. I don't care if anyone understands it. I am going to pursue this as if it were any other avenue for a change in career. I totally realize now that I will never be satisfied in any other occupation other than the one that God has decreed for me. Halleluiah!

      Every morning for the past three days I have been making a habit of confessing out loud what God has told me in my heart. I will pull it in by faith! Like a sailor pulling in a line hand-over-hand, every time I confess those things, regardless of how I may feel at the time, I am pulling the promise in to me. (Maybe another analogy would be like a fisherman reeling in a fish.) I am discrediting God to let the lack of vision of others dissuade me from my appointed path. Yes!

      Today during a "break" I decided to start writing the next scene of my new novel instead of playing solitaire on the Palm Pilot. It was slow to start, but it was sheer poetry, and a good introduction to the action and characters in the scene. I really do love it.

      I've already decided to lay aside the movies and video games, except for a few times a month. Now I need to lay aside other things that are distracting me. Some of them are good things in and of themselves, but they are for others to fulfill. No one can fulfill my destiny for me, and I can fulfill no one else's in return. It's just like in January of 2003 when Mike was preaching about finding your place in 2003. He said as God told Abraham to leave where he was to go into the Promised Land, we too need to ask God what we must leave in order to pursue our own promised land. In tears I realized that God was telling me I needed to leave the Drama team in order to write. And while it was hard to get started, I finished "Glimpses" on Thanksgiving Day of that same year.

      Pray for me. There are people who want me to do some kind of ministry with them, and I think it will be hard for them to understand. I have a project to do (this next novel) and when I can edit/rewrite the one that Traci is going to "type" for me, the two will give me something to hand the publisher when the recognition comes. Also, I won't be sitting around wondering what to do next. I know what to do. I'm already in the middle if it.

      Clark Taylor said to ask the Holy Spirit for some kind of timetable and listen for the response. The Holy Spirit gave me a timetable, and the time is short for all that I need to do to be ready, but I'm excited about it. I know I can do it.

      And even if nothing ever comes of it, which I am NOT claiming for myself, writing this kind of stuff is one of my top few favorite things to do in life. As I get older I begin to realize that I am not going to be able to do it all. I need to concentrate on the few things that I really love. These are also the things that I have put the most time, effort, and sacrifice into. And I feel really good about it.

      Well, that is a mouthful, but my excitement has given me fast fingers! I'm going to save a copy of this for myself so I can read it again in case I get downhearted.

      I love you! – Jim (3/23/06) 

      P.S. – I did not win the contest, and my life has been in an uproar of busyness over the last month, but forward I go!

– 7/26/06

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